How do I prepare for divorce?
Depending upon the circumstances of your relationship, it is wise to take some preparatory steps before filing your case or discussing details with your spouse/partner. In certain relationships, there is an imbalance of power whether that be with the children, the finances, or the assets in general. Oftentimes, clients are concerned that they will lose access to certain privileges or rights once the desire for a divorce/separation is known. At Alexander Law, we recommend that our clients follow the below checklist to feel more empowered as the next steps are taken in the process:
Ensure your email account is safe. Nowadays, almost all attorneys communicate with their clients via email at least some of the time. If your partner has access to that account then they could have access to your private attorney communications. The passwords should be changed on any such accounts, or alternatively a new email account should be established that is unknown to the spouse/partner that is your dedicated account to have private communications.
Gather copies of any documents/information you may lose access to once the process officially starts. This could be tax returns, retirement or bank account statements, a safety deposit box key, the contents of a safe, or important documents such as birth certificates, social security cards, or green cards. Keep in mind, that taking your own original documents is fine but taking originals of your spouses/partners personal information is not recommended (copies are okay).
If you don’t have information about the family financial situation, take note on the envelopes in the mail to gather a better idea of where accounts are held. Any accounts that are jointly titled, you have a right to see. If these documents are not made available to you by your spouse/partner, then go to or call the bank/entity and ask for more information as an account holder.
Beware of anything you save on the “Cloud”. If you have a shared family iCloud (or similar internet-based) account then any notes or photos you have on your devices could be accessible to your partner/spouse. Alternatively, some spouses/partners react to the idea of a divorce by closing out the other’s access to such Cloud accounts thus losing access to family photos/videos/information. Consider storing copies of any such digital media or notes on an account of your own (Dropbox or Google docs are both popular) so you don’t lose your access to the material (while still keeping the media safe on the family shared account).
If you are concerned about furniture/furnishings going missing, you should take an inventory of valuable items in the house with dated photos and notes on the location of the item.
If you feel it could be helpful, we strongly recommend speaking with your therapist to emotionally prepare you for informing your spouse/partner and starting the process. A therapist will ideally remind you of the strength in your decision, and the confidence and reminder that you are supporting your own mental health with making this choice.
Speak with or meet at least two domestic relations attorneys that practice in the County in which you reside. Not all attorneys are the same, and not all attorneys will have the strategy or ideas that make you feel the most supported and the most heard. It is important to meet with attorneys that are familiar with the courthouse within your county as every county has nuances in the process and specific approaches based upon the Judges in the division.
As you move through the above checklist, some components may be less relevant to you. When you interview attorneys, be sure to tell them what you have done so far to prepare and ask any other questions you have, considering the specialized circumstances in your family/relationship.
Not all cases start the same and if you are not comfortable with taking any of the above steps out of fear of “consequences” from your spouse/partner then speak with an attorney first about your options, which may include pursuing an Order of Protection. No one should be in fear of their safety when asking for a divorce/separation.
